CC & NJ Guy
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CC & NJ Guy
Letting Go Starts When You Stop Feeding It
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Letting go gets tossed around like it is a switch you can flip, but we all know it can feel impossible when the hurt is still loud in your body. We sit down and ask a deceptively simple question: what is one of the hardest things to do in life? From there, we dig into why “just let it go” turns into a lifelong lesson about emotional healing, anger management, and protecting your peace of mind.
We talk about the uncomfortable part, too: anger can become familiar, even comforting. It can feel powerful to stay mad, replay the story, and prove you were right, but that power comes with a cost. We break down the difference between an initial reaction and the choice to keep feeding it, plus the way resentment, guilt, regret, grief, shame, and fear sneak into your daily thinking. If you have ever felt like someone is living rent free in your head, you will recognize the pattern fast.
Then we get practical about boundaries. Letting go does not mean inviting anyone back into your life, and it does not require forgiveness. We share personal angles on divorce, co-existing with people you cannot fully avoid, and family dynamics where no contact is the safest move. One of our favorite moments comes from a real-life metaphor about sanding a ceiling: you cannot rush the process, and sometimes you find clarity when you stop overthinking and trust your hands, your experience, and time.
If you want better relationships, calmer reactions, and a more grounded mindset, hit play and sit with us. Subscribe, share the show with a friend, and leave a review wherever you listen.
Hosted by: Cottman, Crawford & The Jersey Guy
Contact us: CCandNJGuy@gmail.com
Links & socials: https://linktr.ee/ccandnjguy
Studio Catch Up And Banter
SPEAKER_01Live from Robert Studios.
LouWhat else, fellas? What's going on, bro? Just thinking about it right now. I mean, we'd be talking for a little bit now, but I feel like we haven't been here in a like in a few weeks.
TomI know. A while. It seems like time is slowed down. Yeah.
unknownYeah.
TomIt's the Hydreon Collater. They stopped it. So now it's slow down.
LouYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a timeline, bro. The timeline jump. What happened? Yeah, as well. So what's going on, bro? How's everything? Nothing. Good, man. Chilling.
KenyLike I always look forward to sitting down with you guys and chatting.
TomWe always look forward to podcasting.
LouWell, it's nothing like sitting down with geniuses in their own minds. That's right. I'm just thank you. I appreciate that. But that means me too. I'm saying, like, you know, all of us. We're geniuses, but you know. Right, right. As far as I know everything, I'm a genius.
KenyWe know we know things that it's useless information. Oh, yeah. Like you just answer to it. I drink and I know things.
SPEAKER_03Yes, yes, yes, SNL. And I knew things. No, uh, Game of Thrones. Uh what's his name? It was Game of Thrones. Peter Dinkler, just but didn't he say that on SNL? He did it. Well, yeah, because he said it was a few.
LouAnd I know things. Yes. He's fucking hilarious, bro. That is too funny. That is too funny. But it's true. I just, you know, I'm drinking a ginger ale and I feel like I'm a I know all. I can see into the future.
TomI know thanks. I know thanks. I know thanks. I'm getting ready to share them with you. All right.
The Hardest Thing To Do
LouLet's go.
TomSo everybody. So Lou has a uh he he said he was gonna surprise us with the topic, so I have no idea. Yeah, we have no idea. Kenny has no idea. I have no idea what we're gonna be talking about today. So what are we talking about today, Mr. Crawford?
KenyWhat's the one thing that's the hardest to do in life? Other than living or you know, work. I'm talking about what's the hardest thing you can do in life?
LouThe hardest thing you can do.
KenyOne of the hardest things you can do in life. But I think it would be these things, too, honestly.
LouThe hardest thing to do. All right. Levitate. Who? Meditate? Levitate. Levitate. I can levitate. I know the trick.
KenyI guess in sense, maybe, but no, no.
LouSo I would say uh if we're gonna be spiritual and be deep to forgive. To forgive is all.
KenyMaybe close.
LouClose, okay. Close, okay, all right. And warmly about letting go. Oh, letting go. I wore the wrong shirt. I got the fucking shirt with Buddha sitting on that bitch, and it says, let that shit go. I almost wore today.
KenyWe have heard it in all our lives from my parents or people who are older than us or whoever, and we've probably said it too to other people. When you think about it, it's like what it's like cliche in a sense. Right, right. But you're like, what? But when you finally do, when you figure out what it is that you're having that issue with, right, or whatever's going on in your life, let go.
SPEAKER_04Right, right, right. Fair enough.
KenyOkay, a freedom in in a lot of ways. But when it does happen and you don't want to let go, it's usually because you're not ready to.
unknownYeah.
KenyYou don't want to, you're too comfortable, you might be scared or change. Right. You know? I was thinking about, and let me tell you how I came up with it. Yeah. I was doing w s ceiling work in my bedroom. I fixed a spot on my ceiling that was like whoever did the sh sparkle work, it was horrendous. Um not that I'm any wizard with spackle, but at least I know how to apply it and see it. Right, right, right. This is recent? Yeah. Okay. This is recent. Uh last weekend, actually. Okay. So while I'm sanding it, feeling it with my hands, and at the same time, and I realize my eyes are closed and I'm feeling where the imperfections are, where I need to see sand still to kind of blend it in and everything, right?
SPEAKER_06Mm-hmm.
KenyJust by closing your eyes, you let go of the other senses for you to do that. You basically are seeing with your hands. Fair enough. Okay. Right.
SPEAKER_06I was like, oh wow.
KenyLetting go of something. Which is one of the hardest things to do in life. Okay. Yeah. It takes a lot before you get to that point. Sometimes you do it, like for me, like we're divorced. You're not.
SPEAKER_06Okay, okay.
KenyIt took us a while before we got to it. Letting it go. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you eventually got there. Okay. Fair enough. Yeah. Some things you may not, because you're not ready to, at least in my way I look at it. Right. Like, but you're not dishonest with yourself. You know that. Right. Yeah. No, no. I know. Yeah, I'm not letting it go.
LouOkay. Letting go for me is like, you know, I'm just not going to deal with your bitch ass. Right. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm just, I'm good. You know, I don't have to see you say, you know, whatever. And yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's it's one of those.
LouIt's the most common pieces of advice people give, right?
KenyRight. Yeah. Just let it go. Just let it go.
TomEasier.
KenyIt's funny because we say that, but then we don't follow that on the It's not that easy though, in a sense. But it is, could be. If you had the power that you were able to say, you know what? Now you I'm sure you've done that in your life, right? Where you were able to do it quick, like just cut it off quick. Yeah.
TomYeah, yeah, yeah. You know what's funny? I remember watching, I remember watching a video a while ago.
Why We Refuse To Let Go
TomIt was from that guy. He's like a famous guru guy, Saudi guru. You ever seen it? Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_03It was that the Hindu guy with the light eyes. Is that the one?
TomI don't know if he has light eyes, but I know he's but I remember he's like, like they were talking about like being mad, and he's like, he's like, you're mad because you like it. And it's like, you know what? Some people do like being mad.
KenyYeah, I heard you're actually mad at yourself. Yeah, yeah. For being in that situation. Right. Right. So that's why you do what you do when you get angry. That makes sense. For example, you know, I've heard that that uh you know, sucking.
SPEAKER_07No, no, no, yeah.
TomBut like I work with a guy. One one of the guys I work with. I know a guy. He's he's always like mad at something. It's always something, it's always fucking something. And it's like, I think people like the state of being mad because it maybe it feels empowering because it's like, oh, I'm right. You know, fuck them, they're fucking idiots. You know what I mean? Like, I think some people like being mad, you know?
KenyWell, see, or just don't know another another way. But I do agree with you. Some people just like it.
LouYeah, because I I hate being they don't admit they like it, but they like it. I don't see, I don't like being angry, yeah, but I'm always angry. You know what I'm saying? Like I'm always it's not that I'm in a bad mood, but I'm just like, I've just gotten to where I can control it. I've said when you said it before, you know, when you had the sensei on, you know what I mean? That I'm just like, I I just I'm I'm always I feel that anger. And you know, I don't know if I want to say because of uh that that I'm angry at myself, you know, I just feel that sometimes it's almost like I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. I guess that that's what it is. So I'm preparing myself for the shit to hit the fan.
TomBut like there's something's about it's too good right now, something's about to happen. But being mad in a way is a choice. Because like you can be initially mad. You're not ready to let go. You can initially be mad, like when you first hit with whatever information or whatever set you off, yeah, you're mad. But after that, if you're gonna continue to be mad, that's kind of a choice. Okay, fair enough. Initial reaction, of course. Initial reaction is initial reaction we got. But it's when you like hold on to it and you go, right, I just beat it to death. Yeah, yeah.
KenyLike it's just uh like enough. I heard it already.
LouYeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, I I I get it. That that kind of makes sense. I mean, I almost for a second was gonna say, depending on what it is, that you know, you almost let go. You know what I'm saying? But then as you guys were saying it, you know. As you can't let go, right? Yeah.
KenyBecause I mean Well, you don't want to. Well, I mean, so now sometimes we get comfortable where we are and we're afraid to move on, right?
LouWell, but see, that's it. And that's why I think for me, it's it's it's almost like a uh that's the unknown. I'm not scared of the unknown. You know what I'm saying? I want to change, I want things to be different, I want to move forward, to make things, you know, happen, to be better, to just for life to be better. You know what I'm saying? And I just feel like sometimes there are just people in the way that I can't dodge around to make these things.
KenyNavigation is impossible.
LouYeah, exactly. And that's why, but and that's why I get annoyed. You know what I'm saying? Because it's like, fuck, shut up, listen to what was being said to you because your way isn't the only way. And yeah, there's probably a couple of people in my life that's like, well, that's how you are. It's not that, it's that when I I feel like when I've spoken to you that you're not listening. And like I said before, that if you listen to what people are saying, you'll understand the words that are coming out of their mouth of their mouth. But when you only hear all you hear is wah wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, yeah, rush out. I love that. You know what I'm saying? You only hear that wah wah. Right. You know, people aren't paying attention to what you're saying. So then that's why I feel like I can't let go on some things. Right.
TomYou know, agree with you. And I I do want to specify though, like you can let stuff go, but you know, like say you're like mad at someone and you're like, oh, I I decide I'm not gonna talk to this person anymore. Right. And but like you can still let go of the anger and not talk to the person anymore. Right. Because maybe the person is unsafe. Because you're doing it for yourself. For yourself, exactly. But like eventually you have to like let go of that anger at some point.
LouOkay, so then would that be forgive and forget?
TomUh you don't even have to forgive the person. It's just you don't have to be angry about whatever they did.
KenyI'm not gonna give them occupation in my brain to occupy your space. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm not gonna even think about them anymore. Right. You're doing that not to give them a reprieve or anything like that, because that's not what you're doing. You're saying to yourself, I'm not thinking about this shit anymore. It's making me crazy. Yeah. And now you're giving yourself peace. That whatever they're doing for yourself, really. You know what I mean? I know exactly how you feel, bro.
LouLike you said, because I just like I said, there's just some some people that I'm just like, and like I said, it's it's I have I've moved on from a lot of stuff. You know what I mean? And I've let go of a lot of shit. But it's almost like those are things and or people that are in my life that uh that they're not gonna be gone. Like they can't be totally out. Like they're gonna still, there's residual of those things, you know. Right. Like I said, of people, of events, or just, you know, just things that are going on. You know what I mean? There's there's still that.
KenyExactly. Exactly. There's still a connection, but what could be because of the kids or this, that, or yeah, yeah, of whatever it is.
LouLike I said, you know, work, uh family, uh, you know, uh money, vehicles, you know, whatever the case may be.
TomYou know, and the thing is too, is like you can let it go without having it, you know. You know, like for instance, um, again, too. Well, fuck it, I'll get personal, I'll give a fuck. So like I had a narcissistic parent, right? And I decided
Anger That Starts To Feel Normal
Tomthat I want no contact. Right. And I was angry for a while. And I decided, you know what, after a while, it's like I'm just gonna let it go, but I'm not gonna talk to that person anymore because that person's not safe to be around. Right. But you know what? Fuck it. You know, I I can't let it enter my headspace all the time and be so upset about it. It's like you gotta let it fucking go. You do. But you don't doesn't mean you have to bring someone back into your life and then repeat the same fucking cycle and saying you didn't get them. It's just like preservation. Right, right. You know, yeah, you gotta let it go taking care of yourself. Because you can't be like all the time fucking angry and like, you know, I went through a whole gambit where I was constantly posting, you know, with the Facebook stories and shit like that. It's like, you know what? It's just like, you know what, fuck it, I'm not doing I'm not fucking thinking anymore.
KenyIt it is a hard thing to do that, you know, when because you know when you're ready. Right, you know and then it you I I did that with my ex, my exes, right? You have to do that at some point, you gotta be like, well, I mean okay, so you still have to deal with her in with it. No, but yeah, but I get you at some point you're like, I can't be thinking about this shit anymore. Exactly. They're doing the same fucking thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah, it it's it's just wild. Your personal and then you're actually getting a when you f the great thing is that when you do let go when you think about the things that you did let go, think about it. If even if it's recent, you feel good. You don't feel pain when you think about it, so when it comes back and you go, you know, like, okay, this is good. I just I I was able to forgive myself or I was able to not be ashamed of something, you know. What if some people little people who come out of the closet? Right.
SPEAKER_06Yeah.
KenyRight? That's that's uh basic let it go. That's a huge let it go.
LouYeah, for them, yeah. Right? Think about it. That's a personal growth right there when you think about it. Hell yeah, it is. Hell yeah, it is. Right? Yeah, I I g I I didn't think about that one. That that's that's true.
KenyLet it go. And I'm thinking about this the more I'm thinking about it. Um I'm just talking to ChatGBT and she's just taking my notes and she's just writing it all down. Right. And I'm thinking, I'm like, it let it go goes with everything in life. Definitely. When you think about it, right?
TomIt just doesn't make sense to hold on to grudges because it doesn't serve it doesn't serve you. It doesn't. Or any kind of pain that you're holding on to it. It doesn't serve you. You know what I mean? And I I know it sounds like such a it doesn't serve you.
SPEAKER_01But you know what I mean? It doesn't.
TomIt doesn't it's not doing you any it's it's not doing you peace of mind by holding grudges. No. So you do have to let it go. It doesn't mean you have to forgive the person. It doesn't mean you have to bring someone back to your life, it doesn't mean any of this.
KenyWe're right on target, like we're right on looking at the phone. You're filling that one. Anger, guilt, regret, grief, addiction, toxic friendships, marriages, careers, unrealistic dreams, resentment toward family, shame, fear, mistakes, expectations. Right? Mm-hmm. Right.
SPEAKER_06So now here's a question. Letting go of yourself. Well, letting go of yourself. Hmm. I don't know.
KenyYou probably didn't don't even realize it. There's probably a lot of things that you do that you do let yourself go. Where you're you're not having any type of friction or any type of thought process that's keeping you or you know, making it difficult for you to get through. You're just doing it with no problem. It's yeah, you know, whatever it might be.
LouI feel you know I guess I feel like I've let go of being angry at people, if that makes sense. You know what I mean? Yeah, whatever, you'll do you, you know, whatever. You're an asshole. We know you're an asshole. You know, right, right. It's like fuck you.
KenySo here's what she said when I was talking to her. Uh-huh. I say her because I have a female voice. Yeah, sure. Uh-huh. Forgive me, guys. No, I'm not having a relationship with her. Yeah, sure. Uh Lewis, how are you? Sometimes we're holding on is ourselves. Right. Example, refusing to admit when we're wrong or what we were wrong, refusing to accept who we are. Right. Hiding our identity, denying something painful. Right? It goes to anything. Right. Pretending to be someone else, coming out. We just said that. Admitting addiction and asking for help. Okay. Letting go isn't letting go is not giving up. Yeah. Yeah, no, you're right. Right. It's not giving up. You're you're really helping yourself. Yeah, I got it. I'm I'm making sure I'm talking to us. Yeah, yeah, okay, cool. Thank you. Uh right. You're helping yourself. You're you're letting go of something. You're literally letting go. And it the the expression actually is true. Amazing how it's just like, yeah, whatever, man. Yeah. When somebody says it to you. Right. You know, like, yeah. If it was that easy. Yeah. It is that easy. It is that easy, you know? But when they're ready, when you're ready.
LouYeah, I think that's the key. When you're ready, when a person is ready, that then that's when you like they can let go.
TomI do think there is a certain amount of healing that has to take place. Sure. To let go. I don't think uh you could just let go right away. You know, you might have to go through some stages, depending on what it is that you need to let go. I mean, if it's something like, you know, some bullshit from work or whatever, it's like, yeah, you know, after a certain while you're like, right. But like if it's something serious, it might take more time. You know, something that's deep, you know. Right. Right. But for you know, I think for the most part, everybody has the capability to let go. It's just a matter of going through it. You know what I mean? Sometimes you have to. Sometimes you have to go through this the the stages. Right. That's the process.
LouYeah, because you have to you have to think about why it is you should let it go. I guess if that makes any sense to you. Yeah, no. And and and uh saying because like, you know, you well,
Boundaries Without Reconciliation
Louwhy am I angry with this person or why am I angry at this thing, you know, whatever it is that you're holding on to, and it's like it doesn't make a difference because it's not paying my bills. You know, I say that to people a lot. Right. You're not paying my fucking rent. Right. You know, you know, you're you're not giving me money for my car note or whatever, so that then you mean absolute fucking nothing to me. You know what I mean? Like I shouldn't even, like you said, I shouldn't even let you occupy that space in my brain. Right. Exactly. You know what I mean? You're just giving them rent. Right. Free space.
KenyRent free space in the brain. There's no, you know. I quit. Letting go says uh I'm sorry. Come uh giving up says I quit. That's what giving up says. Right. Letting go, this no longer serves me.
SPEAKER_01Wow.
KenyI like that. Yeah. When I sh when uh when that when that was written, I was like, oh. Read that again, read it again. Letting go means this no longer serves me. No, the part before you. I quit. Right. Means what? Giving up says I quit. Giving up says I quit. I quit. Okay. Giving up says I quit. This no longer serves me. Right. Yeah. You're already saying, you know what? But that's a good kind of shit. That's a good kind of quit, though.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
TomYou quit the negative. It's okay to quit negativity. Yeah, yeah, exactly.
LouThat is funny as hell. But no, it's true. I I don't know, man. I I I mean I try to be as peaceful as I possibly can, you know, in a lot of ways. You guys have known me enough long enough now to be like, all right, cool, you know, I try to stay in a good mood, I try to be mellow, I try to be supportive and stuff like that. No, none of that. You know, and but it's that because, you know, I I and I've said we said before in other shows and stuff, I try to put myself in other people's shoes to know where it is, what it is that they might be, you know, going through. So I don't always take it personal. Right. Now, when, you know, it's something that is like, it just keeps like life sometimes is like, oh my God, like give me a fucking break. You know, me and my driving, I'm like, get the fuck out of the left lane. You know what I mean? Like, that's how I'm looking at all this stuff. Like, let's just make this shit happen. Let's not stay, you know, let's not harp on it. And then when people harp on it, that then it's almost like it sticks with me. Right. Because now I've got to deal with this shit with you because you're not, you know, all right, fine. I'm again, not to say let's go, but you know, we don't have to keep like every day or, you know, every like pretend to five. Yeah, like already, you got it. We did it, let's move on. What are we gonna do different so that this shit don't happen again? Right, exactly. You know what I mean? Yeah, I guess. And I guess that then that would be considered a let it go. Right, huh? I guess that would be considered a let it go. You know, what do we do now? Let's go, move forward, let's go, let's let's get this shit done. Let's let's fucking make it happen.
KenyAccept the fact that this is what happened. Right. Now we're gonna say, well, we're done with that. Yep. Now we're gonna do it too. And now we know what not to do next time.
LouLike how many times have we been over here and the machine fucking work right?
KenyNothing is ever such so easy, right? Well, and that's the thing. We have to get that easy. Right. We don't. Sometimes we don't make it easy on ourselves.
LouYes. And we just need to make like we ourselves have to make it easy. If that makes any sense, you know what I mean? Right.
KenyWell you get there. Hopefully at some point eventually you get there. There might be some things that you don't. Yeah. You know, might, you know, but it may not be. I don't know. I think you'll still have some things, but it won't be as many as the ones that you're not as big, maybe. Right. There'll be very little amount that you already gave up. Right.
LouLike, what do you mean you didn't slice my fucking roast beef thin? Why is my roast beef so thick? I can't put the shit in the gravy, man. It won't fit on my sandwich. I like roast beef. That's another joke. So check this out.
SPEAKER_03I know exactly what you mean.
SPEAKER_04We're not talking about deli meat, are we?
KenyThat's cool.
SPEAKER_06That's cool.
unknownYou guys.
KenyUm the sanding. Kenny had to go there. She brought up the fact that I was I I was talking and she was listening, but I was talking about the sea. I was talking out loud. Okay. She heard me talking about doing something to the ceiling. Right. She thought I was talking to her, and then I explained to her, No, I was talking to you, but this is what I'm doing right now. She goes, I said, and that's where I came up with the idea with the sanding, the letting go and just letting your senses do the work other than your eyesight and just feel it out and you know. Right. So she was saying uh the sanding metaphor. This happened naturally while you were literally sanding drywall. Sometimes you close your eyes, not because you're you can't see, but because seeing actually gets in the way. You trust your fingertips, to trust your experience, to trust your feed. Life can be that way sometimes. That makes sense. Sometimes we s I'm sorry. And sometimes we stop trying to control our detail. Sometimes we stop overlooking or overthinking, I should say. And sometimes we simply trust ourselves. This is another way of letting go by just letting yourself be.
TomWell, you know what? It's it's funny you bring up the whole sanding thing. And uh remember when Suzanne was on our episode and we talked about how like meditation doesn't mean sitting, it's like doing something. And you know, sometimes doing work, sometimes it's very meditative. Absolutely. People think sitting still and yum is meant, but no, like doing something and that's repetitive to get your mind off it. So you're sanding a ceiling, it gives you it gives you a chance of mind to to think because you're doing something repetitive. Right. So I find it out. I find that when I'm working, when I'm at work, and you know, I you know, I do maintenance, you know, uh what when I'm doing something that's repetitive, where it's like I'm sanding or I'm working on flooring or doing whatever, I find that that's the most time when I think the most clearest because it gives me time my brain chance to process things because it's it's you're not really because you're so focused on tackle. Task that you're actually able to think about other things because you're focused on task, but it's repetitive. So your brain's not really thinking. It's more like, all right, keep doing
The Sanding Metaphor For Healing
Tomthis same thing. So it gives you a chance in mind to like it's it's a weird, it's a weird thing to like a weird, like uh absolutely.
KenyIt's definitely because you my eyes are closed, I'm feeling it out, you know. And but your brain starts going in places. Right, absolutely, absolutely.
TomIt's great. It's the same thing as meditation, but because people think meditation means stillness, but it r really doesn't. I in my from my experience, I find that like the most clarity I get on things is when I'm doing something repetitive. Right, right, right, right. That makes sense. That makes sense.
KenySo I think I know we went a little far out there.
LouNo, no, still we still have to do that.
KenyAll right, so wait, I got a little question thing here, but real quick, she the ceiling analogy, you were smoothing out compound, you can't rush it. You sand, you stop, you feed, you add more, you sand again. Life works that way. Yeah. Healing healing isn't one pass, neither is forgiveness, neither is letting go. I'm like, wow. Yeah. And I just like I thought it was cool because I had the idea, I had the phone there, and I said, you know what? I'll just talk about it with her the whole time. Yeah. And then I had to do bullet points for me. It was freaking cool, man. Yeah. I got good stuff for her. Yeah. Some good questions too. But you guys get it though.
LouYeah, yeah, yeah. No, definitely understand.
unknownDefinitely.
KenyI like doing this sometimes when we do the podcast because I think it, you know, like I love the way your response to what I pick, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
LouYou know, yeah, no, definitely, yeah. Because I mean, I say I'm not gonna feel like different. You're you're the the few that you've done like this, you know, has got us, you know, Tom and I, like, oh thinking, yeah.
TomYeah.
LouYeah, yeah, yeah, right, exactly. But that other stuff. Yes.
TomBecause if you tell me ahead of time, then maybe I'm thinking.
LouYeah, then you think about it too. And I didn't want that.
TomI didn't want you guys. I wanted to, you know, sometimes I feel like it's just been a good thing.
SPEAKER_03So for that, we thank you like Sharon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, next.
KenySo ever known you should let go but refused?
LouYes. I'm even gonna fucking stutter, bro. Yes. Hands down, yes. Because for me, I feel like it's your punishment if I don't forget. Or I don't forgive. Right. If I don't let go. Right. Because now I'm like, oh, remember you were a total fucking schmuck. How about this? And I'm just gonna do stupid shit just to annoy the fuck out of you. Right. Because now I'm gonna make it where now you can't let go. You know, and I'm not, I don't do that for like, you know, a year.
KenyBut but you realize we don't realize we're actually giving them power by doing that, though. Yeah, you're gonna be able to do that.
LouBut again, but I'm giving them the power because I haven't let go, but I'm giving them right, but uh, they can't let go either now. Right. Because now I'm doing shit that now they gotta get back in the office like oh, yeah, you're like, hey, you wanna play? Yeah, yeah, okay. I can play. You wanna play? Say hello to my little friends.
TomMy thing is I started to change the mindset too, is like, it's like, why am I gonna stay angry? It's just gonna frustrate me and and put me through hell. Right. So instead, I'm just gonna be like, Right. Just whatever. Yeah, if you don't host the deck, whatever.
KenyYou can't just constantly what the fuck ever. You know? I don't remember. So let me give you an idea that one of the things. I remember when I was my first marriage. That was hard. I remember going through that and the whole thing. And I eventually got, and a friend told me, you will get to that place where you this will not be important to you.
SPEAKER_04Right, yes.
KenyYou'll you'll it'll be a pass, it doesn't even affect you. And of course, at that moment in time, you're like, get the f out of it. You gotta go through it sometimes. You gotta go through the most. But that was the whole thing. And I was I was young too. So uh, but but that's what I'm saying. And and now I eventually I did. I got to where I was. I'm sure they did as well. But that's what I'm saying, that's what happens. Yeah, and I also think you know, you know. That doesn't mean you actually forgive the person, excuse me. No, no, no. But you're just doing it for yourself, really, mostly. Yeah, no, I get it. I get it.
TomYeah. Yeah. But I also think, you know, there's the there's that saying trust the process. And I think there's uh a value to that because you a lot of times we we want to avoid. We want to avoid thinking about it. We want to try to and I think that just prolongs the anguish. It's like go through it as fast as you fucking can. You know what I mean? Trust the process, go through it. Don't try to numb yourself, don't try to put it off. Because once you go through the process, right, golden pony boy. Right, right.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's true.
KenyI mean, there's a lot of things we probably went through in our lives that we don't even realize. But if we go back and think about it, we'll go, oh wow, yeah. I remember when this was going on. Right. Now I'm look where I am now, and I don't even fucking give this the time of day.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
TomSo I think letting go is important, but I think sometimes you gotta do go through the process. Yeah. And then you can let go. So, you know, small shit you can let go. Big shit, you do have to process it. You have to go through the process. Yeah, you gotta go to the emotions. But then it's time to let go. There is a time when you gotta say, all right, I'm fucking release it to the fucking to the universe. Yeah.
LouYeah, yeah, yeah. No, I get it. Yeah, yeah. I I I do, I get it. I understand.
KenyThat's what I was thought. It was I it's when you think about it, letting go. It just sounds so simple. Letting go, not letting go of a bar or something you picked up. No, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, actually a habit or something that you've had in your life that's been haunting you for whatever reason. Right. And you finally found the the peace where you were able to say, I'm done. Yeah.
LouRight. You know what I mean? I say, because I mean, like I said, there's there's people that I know for a fact that I can't let go of the bullshit. Sorry. You know what I mean? But only because, you know, it's not your fault, but you know, it's only because I have to deal with them as such. Right. You know what I mean? Because they're gonna keep doing shit. So that then I have to be an asshole, right, you know, and not let go.
TomSo this way I'm keeping them like Yeah, I think it is tough in circumstances where you gotta repeatedly see the person. Sometimes if it's a workplace thing where it's like I gotta be in the same environment with this person five days. Right. That could be a little tricky. Yeah, agree. That could be a little tricky. Yeah. It's treat to rock around to rock.
LouAnd you're right, it is. It's super fucking it's a it's a pain in the ass. And you know, I think, bro, you you you you got the brain moving, you know what I mean? Because all the wheels are like, that's what happened to me.
KenyAnd I'm like, I was like,
Big Pain Takes A Real Process
Kenybecause I think if I asked my younger self this question, I don't think I would have thought of this at my younger self at that point. Because that wasn't our option for us. To get wiser when we're old. We were too young. We was green in life. We didn't know shit.
LouWell, I didn't hold any grudges because I didn't give a shit. Yeah, because I still had stuff, you still have a lot of stuff in your life that you have. I seriously, but I I'm I I hear you what you're saying.
SPEAKER_03I I just I like even me now, I cannot think of anything like that.
TomI you know it's funny, uh it's funny you say that. Because when I was younger, like I would let stuff go only because I didn't give a fuck. Right. A lot of the times. I think when I got a little older, I started caring about things more. As we're like, when I was younger, it's like I just move on to the next because it was you know being young. I think when you're young, you're always in motion. Right. You know what I mean? That's what I'm saying. So like you know, you can't it's easier to forget about stuff because you're doing something else. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yep. Yeah. So maybe it's not necessarily letting go, it's just like forgetting about it because you're so you're moving forward.
LouYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying. So you know what I mean? So like I it's now where I guess I'm uh steady older. Yeah, because I'm steadier. I'm I'm dealing with someone, you know, with things that are gonna be there longer. When I was a kid, you know, like I said, into my you know mid to late twenties, it was like whatever, I'm coming here. Dude, like I told you, I was driving from fucking from from uh Fort Myers, Cape Coral, Florida, to Brooklyn. I was driving just to go get my haircut, hang out, and party, and then get back into fucking Florida. Do it because I let go. I didn't give a shit about it. Yeah, because when you're whatever you have that I didn't give a I didn't give a shit about whatever because I was able to space 20 hours on the road. It don't matter, you know. Shoot up by 95. And that's it. And I'm there and it was all good. So then you know, but like I said, because I let go. No, no, don't do that. You put gas in my car, shut your ass up. It don't matter. I let go. You want to come with me? I can't gas up.
TomProbably under a dollar.
LouYeah, I I you're probably right. I'm not gonna say no. You could, but it would it wouldn't be, it wouldn't, the recovery wouldn't be as same. Yeah, that I would I would have to agree with you.
KenyI'm not saying you wouldn't be able to do it. No, no, no, right, right. No, I'm with you, I'm with you. The experience would be different. Listen, we're in a different part of our lives now, right? So we've matured, we've grown into ourselves, we've learned about ourselves seriously, right? No, yeah. You don't think you've grown into yourself?
SPEAKER_03I think I am the same person. I can't imagine. I can't imagine. Like every fucking weekend, it's off to the border, soft to the border, all the fucking times.
LouNo, no, no. It was like every it was like one it was like every other week that I was like getting the fucking to go because I was getting that haircut every two weeks.
KenyBut you I can see you're doing that.
TomI'm picturing that every fucking weekend.
LouBut that's a memory wanted too, right? Right. And like I said, like, you know, I I I it wasn't even a matter of letting go nothing still held you back. You just did it. I just did it right. So that's what I'm saying. So then there was nothing. So there was no grudges being held. There was no matter, oh, I have to pick this out, or you know, I 100 fucking million percent did not care. Right. I gave zero, I gave negative fucks. Like it was like I'm like negative 150 fucks giving. Negative 150 fucks. Well, yeah. I like that. You know what I mean? So that then now when I was, you know, more stable, you know, um, and just dealing with more things that I didn't have to do before. I was able to walk away from other shit. Then now I was in that place where I couldn't. So then my tool changed.
KenySubstances have changed.
LouRight. So then now I can't just let go. Now I have to sit and eat a lot of this bullshit. You know what I mean? Bills, whatever, you know, marriage, whatever it was. It's just it's all those things. I tell you having anything there, yeah. No, no, no. But then now here it is where I am, I'm I'm I'm happy. You know what I'm saying? I'm comfortable, I'm good where I'm at, you know what I'm saying? Wifey's good, you know what I'm saying? My kids are good. I'm looking at life, and I'm like, all that other stuff is bullshit. Like, you don't matter at all to me. You know what I mean? Excuse me, so then that's why I'm I I'm I'm on that, you know, yeah. Yeah, you know, it's like whatever, you know what I mean? And say it, bro, and I'm done, you know? So then that I think that's why I'm I'm it's it's like running through my mind, you know, you saying this, because I'm like, well, what is it that I need to let go of? Like what is it that I need to just stop holding the grudge about?
KenyI think it'll be harder to, I mean, I'm sure you can think about whatever. It's obviously your mind, you know better. Right, right. But I'm seeing there'll probably be other stuff that'll come that you you didn't think or couldn't think about. And you'll be like, oh yeah, that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
LouI remember that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. And and that's what I think.
KenyBut it doesn't always necessarily have to be with other people. Oh no, just with things.
LouYeah, hell yeah, just things in general. Like I'm talking about. Yeah, you know, like I said, you know, everybody like right now, because, you know, of life, money's a fucking like, oh shit, man. Yeah, I know. But you know, I'm letting go of like I've let go of having to worry about the money, you know, because I'm at that place where I can just maneuver some of my shit, you know what I mean, and have money to do different things, if that makes any sense. You know what I mean? Like I know, you know, I haven't built a pair of sneakers in a while, I need a pair of sneakers, that's my fix, but I can't right now. You know what I mean? I have to wait before I can go and buy another three-pair. You know what I'm saying? I was trying to wait for the spring lineup, but now I gotta wait for the fall, you know what I'm saying? Like that kind of stuff. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I get it. And and I'm I'm right there with the yeah, so life is just one of those things where you just, you know, have to let go of people. Man, I I I've not I've let go of fucking with people.
KenyI think for me, I think for me, it's been it's easier now with people not to let them get to me. Right. Versus allowing it to get to me. Right. Where I used to do that a lot. That would, you know, I'm not saying it doesn't happen. Right. It does. But it doesn't happen as often. And no, no way near it. Yeah. No. And usually it's for a reason anyway. So right or wrong, something is a reason why it came up or whatever it might be. You know, it could be anything, really.
LouRight, right, right, right. Yeah, no. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? It's wild. It's crazy. You say, and so you said this now. I didn't really put much thought.
KenyThis is what I was hoping for. Yeah, yeah. Honestly. I was like, because when you think because it's so broad, it covers so much area. Right. You know, it's just when you start thinking going through the the photographs in your
Comfortable Anger And Being Right
Kenymind, the slideshow, you know. Right, right.
LouThat's exactly what I did when you asked the crush. I'm like, I went to the Rolodex, you know. You know? I was going through the photo album.
KenyTrying to think of what it's you know. You know? Or things that you had struggled with. It could be what school, uh, you know, uh a job, it could be a physical ailment or something, events.
LouYeah, you know? Pain. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's yeah, that's what I'm saying. I've let go of how my like my pain, I'm always in fucking pain. Like there's always something hurting. And but I've learned to deal with some of it that I'm just like, you know what? I let it go. I'm just like, you know, I do what I gotta do for pain management and you know, keep it moving and I function, you know what I'm saying? I'm getting my shit done. The only thing that I has that I guess I haven't let go is that I just haven't let go of of just get up and you know, keep moving. You know, like don't sit and don't start moving. Like get up, keep doing things. You know, that's my one thing that I need to let go of. I guess saying, you know, sit down. Let go of sitting down, get up and start making moves. And that's what I was saying. I'm freaking, you know, thank God, knock on wood, that we've got something going on every weekend, you know, the wife and I. Right, you're saying for the next like three months, bro. No, three months. Or until fucking November, dude. Yeah, there's something going on like every month. My brother hit me up because he's turning 50. So he like, you coming? I'm like, hell fuck yeah, we'll be there. Because he and his wife are the same age. You know what I mean? So, you know, I'm there. Let's go. We're gonna party like in 1999. You know what I mean? So it's it's yeah, it's just I think it's it's good.
TomI mean, yeah, it's nice to have a relaxing weekend too, but you know what? I think that's what the winter's for. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's that? Relaxing weekends. I think my philosophy now is if if it's springtime, summertime, weekends, stay busy. Winter, it's not much to do. Right. Slow down a little bit. Yeah. Binge, binge, watch some shows. Right, yeah.
LouGet into some shows, just start an exercise routine. Yeah, yeah, do that stuff. Go ahead, sorry.
KenyNo, no, no, no. It's good. Can anger become comfortable?
LouYes.
KenyAbsolutely. That's what I'm talking about before.
SPEAKER_03Some people like it. They don't admit it, yeah.
KenyBut some people like being sometimes we can get caught in it too because we're stuck in that cycle of time. Like a cycle. Yeah, yeah. You know, I've been there before, I know that feeling. Yeah. Sucks. Yeah. You know, some people like being mad. Some people do like being angry. Some people like but you know, usually people who are angry.
LouWho are like they do should be like see, I could be in the I could be, like I said, I'm I always feel like I'm angry.
TomYou know how you can tell people like that? They could be in the perfect situation and they find
Moving On Versus Running Away
Tomsomething wrong. Yes. Wrong. Yes. Those are the people that like being mad.
KenyYeah. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. And I think they're always right, too. Yeah. Uh what's the difference between moving on and running away?
SPEAKER_06Ooh, I agree.
TomI think if you don't deal with the issue, then you're probably running away. If you dealt with it, or even in your mind dealt with it. You you processed it, that's moving on. I think running away is not doing whatever you need to do to process it or tackle the issue. Right, like going away, like physically moving and going somewhere.
KenyThat that's not gonna do anything.
TomLike running away is like uh like avoidance. Yeah. Okay. You know what I mean?
KenyIt's still gonna catch up to you at some point.
TomYeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
KenyIt's just that's what happens.
TomYou know what I mean? Like if you run away from it. Hey, I know what the I I avoid shit sometimes too. So hey, we all do it. That's life. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah.
LouIt's just part of the process. Honey, can you do the dishes? You know, dip through you.
KenyYeah. Right, yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, you're like, come on. Oh, yeah, definitely. I'm glad I know what I know now. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Right, yeah. I wish that I knew what I know now. So I was younger.
LouYeah, exactly. I decided 2020.
KenyI decided 2020. Yeah, yeah, hell yeah. You just wasted on the young. Oh my god. Yeah. My mother would say it all the time. That's great. Uh let's see. Is forgiveness required to let go? No.
TomNo.
KenyNo.
TomNo. How no? No, I was I it's funny, I mentioned that earlier.
KenyYou don't have to forgive anybody to let go. No. You're letting go of the you're not letting go for them. You're forgetting about them. You're cutting them out. You're already like, I'm done with that. You're cutting them out. You're not gonna give that anymore. So now you're doing it. So like that's the whole time.
TomThat's why like people say the term forgive and forget. You could just forget and not forgive. You know what I mean? Like forgive. You know, or just like as uh and you know, forget meaning.
KenyYou're not forgiving, you're just saying, I'm done with it. Adios, baby. Yeah, I'm done with you. No more space in my head. Right.
TomI think and I think that's healthy.
KenyYeah.
TomThese are good questions.
KenyYeah, yeah. And you said earlier, you you know, I guess because it was phrased differently, maybe. Let's see. Life doesn't always require freedom. Can you let go without forgetting?
LouCan you let go without forgetting?
KenyI don't know. I can. I don't know. I I don't have to forget. Right. I'm not trying to forget. I'm just letting go. It's not that you forget it. For me, it's like I'm I'm always gonna remember it. When I say But it doesn't affect me in any way anymore, the way it used to. Right. You know what I mean? So if I do think about it, it's like a thought, a quick thought, and it's gone.
TomSo when I say forget, I don't mean like completely forgetting. I just mean not occupying headspace. Where it's not like you're thinking about it. You know what I mean? It's like that's what I mean by forget and not forgive. You
Letting Go Without Forgiving
Tomknow when I say like like obviously you're not gonna forget, be like, well who's uh like you know because you're not required to.
KenyNothing says you have to forgive somebody. Right. The only reason you do it is you do it for yourself. Because you're letting go, you're giving peace to yourself. You're saying, I need to just enough. And you're giving yourself peace in a sense where could and you actually realize it too. I think what you figure it out and you're like, wow, right, I do feel better because I don't think about this all the time.
TomYeah. Or I don't do this all the time. I think forgiveness is kind of like first stage of reconciliation. If you're gonna reconcile things, then you do have to work on forgiving, kinda. But if you're not going to reconcile because for whatever reason, you know, someone's just as a cycle of abuse or whatever it is. Whatever the reason might be. You you're not really required to forgive.
KenyNot at all.
TomIt's not like some shit you know, building our head from like religion and shit like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus forgives.
SPEAKER_01It's like, yeah, you know, whatever.
TomDoesn't work that way for me.
SPEAKER_06You don't have to forgive it.
KenyIt doesn't work that way for me. Right. You know, I look at it as I'm letting go of something and I'm feeling better about it. Right. Right, right, right. Because it doesn't beat me up anymore. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. Come to terms with something or somebody or something. Yeah, that I think that's the hard part.
LouIt is hard. To forget. It is fucking hard. You know? Like, I don't have to deal with you, and then, you know, I guess, yeah, I'll forget, but I I will definitely, like, you know, if I see your face, I'm like, oh yeah, you're that bitch ass motherfucker. You know what I mean? Like, I remember, or something will happen. Like, and think about it. I mean, how many things like you hear a song, there'll be a smell, and it'll remind you, like, you know, you see something in the movie or whatever, and it'll remind you of something that happened in your past. Right. And then you think about that clip in your life, and you're like, oh yeah, that's when da-da-da-da-da happened. You know what I mean? The job where I had this, like, you know, it's all those little things that'll bring it back, like you said, for two seconds and then like I'm better now. You know, and keep it moving.
KenyRight.
LouYeah.
KenySo I guess you and you realize it too, because I think sometimes it comes later. You don't realize it until you go, you know what?
LouI didn't even think Yeah, I didn't even think about that shit. Yeah. Good.
KenyYeah. I'm good.
LouYeah.
KenyAnd then you forget about it just as fast as you thought about it.
LouSo yeah, which is great.
KenyThat you know you're making progress when you get there. But again, like you were saying, Tom, it takes time sometimes. Maybe a little longer than usual. It could take a while.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
KenyYeah. Right. Yeah. That's my favorite. People don't show it. Like they got a good face on, you know what I mean? Yeah, exactly. They hide the pain. Yeah. I think we all do in some sense.
LouYeah, but we I mean, there's always some things that we keep to ourselves, you know. There is nobody that knows every one thing about everybody, you know, or any other person, you know, because it's just like, damn, you know, I just I don't even want to talk about it. Cause then I'm gonna bring diarrhea of the mouth and I don't want to get into that shit. You know what I mean? So but exactly.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
LouIt's wild.
SPEAKER_04So I guess yes, you can forget. You know what I'm saying?
LouThat that does it it makes sense. Right. It makes sense. You can forget. Okay.
KenyLast question before we end it. Before we wrap it up.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
KenyIs there something that you're still holding on to?
SPEAKER_06Oof. Right now in my life. No. No, I think I'm good. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think so too.
TomI think I'm good. If you ask me early in the year, maybe. But I'm good now.
unknownYeah.
TomI think I'm good. I think I'm good. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. Yeah.
KenyI got shit going on, but just like small shit going on. I'm going to go. Or big shit. Just like Tom, I'm in a good place where I can say, yeah, no, I'm good. Yeah. I'm not there's not anything that I have
What We Still Hold On To
Kenyto worry about. Yeah.
LouNo, no, I think so too. I think I think I think it is.
SPEAKER_03And and you know what's crazy? Yeah, there's nothing that sticks out to me.
LouI go, Yeah, well, I got this going. Yeah. But you know what's wild is that I believe that for us, coming here is almost like a therapy session. It is absolutely therapy. You know what I mean? Like it's this, you know, this that we're we're we talk about stuff, you know, that we want to talk about. You know, I mean, I'm talking about like, you know, that we're comfortable talking about, I should say. You know what I mean? And and it gives us that release of whatever stresses, you know, because we're not talking about work like that. We're not talking about, you know, people issues, families or, you know, whatever. No, we just say I said it's our event session. Right, right. You know, before we start, before we start recording. You know what I mean? And then we're talking about whatever, then now when we shut down for this right now, we're gonna be talking about this. Absolutely. And saying, and we're not gonna be talking about all of our other shit. Yep. And you know, said this is our release, this is our therapy every other, you know, every episode. You know what I mean? So yeah, I think, yeah, I think you're right, bro. I think, you know, we are in a good place. I think I'm in a good place too, you know. Yeah, it's good. I have let go of a lot of dumb shit. I really have. Like, yeah, yeah, whatever. Say what you want, you know. Let me know when you're gonna just deposit money in my account for that bill. Right. Because if you're not, then you know, your words mean nothing, mere mortal. You know what I mean?
KenyWith that being said, I want to thank everyone for that.
TomWe thank you.
Closing Thanks And Subscribe
TomOh like that. That was Tosh point always. And for wherever you listen to your podcast.
LouYes, yeah. Thank you for that. Find us wherever you listen to your podcast. So like, love, subscribe, follow. Yes, message, all that other good stuff. And uh thank you for listening. Love, peace, and hair grease. Live long and prosper. And may the forest be with you.
SPEAKER_01Hello.
